Post by Simon Cowbell on May 1, 2012 21:56:56 GMT -5
Simon Cowbell
"Sigh... Where do I begin?"
"Sigh... Where do I begin?"
The Basics[/font][/size]
Name: Simon Cowbell
Nickname/Alias: Cowbell, That jerk, Mr. Grumpypants
Species: Minotaur
Gender: Male
Age: Adult
Group: Other Species
Occupation: General Know-all and Obnoxious Critic
Appearance[/font][/size]
Fur/Mane/Tail: Simon has dark grey fur with just a faint hint of violet in it. His mane and tail-tuft (being a minotaur, he naturally has a the tufted tail of a bull) are both naturally a rich black, with no hint of greying...yet.
Clothes/Accessories: Cowbell usually wears an expensive silk suit, usually in a rich raspberry red. Instead of a tie to go with his suit, he sports a large gold cowbell in it's place. This cowbell makes no noise whatsoever, and it has gained a legendary status. It is rumored that if Simon Cowbell is impressed by whatever work of yours he is critiquing, this bell will ring loud and clear. But as this has never happened yet, no one can be sure if the legend is true or not. Wherever he goes, he also carries about his trusty notepad and funereal black-peacock retractable-ball-point-quill...ready to write up a scathing review on the fly.
Cutie Mark: None, being a Minotaur
Overview: Minotaurs are bipedal, with a big barrel chest and a very strong and muscular frame, and Simon is no exception to this rule, except that he is a bit taller and leaner than the average. However, his personal style is a bit different from your typical monstrous minotaur. His mane is always perfectly combed over and shiny, his horns, trained to bend sharply inward, are filed smooth and gold-capped, he wears no nose ring, and his green eyes are always placid and disdainful. Also unlike most minotaurs, who have a tendency to be clumsy (the phrase 'bull in a china shop' comes to mind) He is a bit more graceful. Part of this is his slightly leaner, taller frame, but mostly it's the air with which he carries himself. If he were to knock over an object, he would behave as though he confidently intended to do it all along, or as if the object attempted to fall on him. Because he doesn't worry about being clumsy, he usually isn't.
Personality[/font][/size]
Personality Description: The most outstanding feature of Simon Cowbell is his bitterly satirical snarkiness. No matter what you do to try and please, he has some sharp, sarcastic, ungrateful thing to say. From this, most ponies would assume that he hates everypony. But, as he would be the first to assure you, that is just not true. He doesn't waste the energy that an active hatred would require. He's just absolutely assured of his superiority to everyone.
Snarkiness aside, Simon is actually quite intelligent, and has experience in most of the areas he criticizes in. Though perhaps not put to the most useful use, his intellect and creativity are quite active and, if you read between the insults, there is usually a great deal of good advice both to the one being critiqued as well as his regular readers. He has a strong business sense and knows a good idea from a bad one. But, being intelligent, he is unfortunately bitterly aware of the way ponies regard him- as a monster. And so, since they expect a monster, he gives them one.
Simon has also perfected a great balance of the universal law of attraction- he is just nasty enough to be highly entertaining (to anypony not being criticized by him) without overdoing it to the point of being unpopular. As a result, it is an honor in and of itself to be considered worthy of a Simon Cowbell review, even though he has never been known to write a positive one, and anything that he reviews generally receives a temporary boost in popularity right afterwards.
Strengths:
- Physical Minotaur Strength
- Able to creatively insult
- Fingers!
- Intelligence
- Loves and is usually loved by foals.
Weaknesses
- Typical Minotaur Temper
- Difficulty in admitting fault
- Oversized!
- Meanness
- Spa-treatments. (He just loves them, okay?!)
Fears:
- Eggplant (he actually fears the sight of it!)
- Bats
- Roaches
Magical Specialty/Abilities: The amazing ability to make an individual dislike him!
History[/font]
History: It is not easy, being born a minotaur in an Equestrian world. Simon was born to two minotaur parents as you might expect, and eventually became an older brother to William, or 'Wee Willy' as Simon dubbed his little brother. Naturally outgoing and assertive, never afraid to crack a joke at Willy's expense, it is probable that he dominated and bullied his younger sibling a fair bit, and may have played an immense role in forming the character of the minotaur who would later grow up to be dubbed 'Iron Will'.
When in his teens, Simon got his first job as a trash collector. Though his minotaur strength and build suited him well for this kind of tiring physical work, his high level of intelligence was not useful or appreciated in this job and he quickly became restless and unsatisfied with 'taking crap from prissy ponies.'
He liked his second job much better. As a parking meter minotaur, he roamed the streets of Fillydelphia, looking for illegally parked cars and writing traffic tickets. It paid extremely well, too and instead of being treated like trash himself, he could give a little grief. Unfortunately, this career was extremely short-lived as most ponies don't own or drive cars- in fact, he only ever wrote up one ticket, to a pair of skinny brothers who ended up skipping town instead of paying the fine for leaving their large noisy vehicle parked in the middle of a busy road overnight.
He didn't mind his third job very much, even though as a Repo minotaur, he did have to go back to lifting and hauling stuff away- but instead of trash, it was possessions that some poor pony could no longer afford to keep. He had very little love for ponies at this time and except for ponies who had families, he felt very little guilt for taking their nice things away. But it was not to last, either. Another company bought out the one he worked for and his repo truck became repossessed in the end. The irony of this was not lost on him.
At this point, he became quite tired of working for pony bosses and determined to go into business for himself. He bought a small shop in Manehattan and with his savings, opened a pawnshop. With a good eye for value and surprisingly sharp business sense, his shop quickly became very successful. But though it brought in a lot of bits, he found that he was seen more as a glorified loan shark than a businesstaur, and being a minotaur (and therefore, a monster) this line of work wasn't helping his image any. So, entrusting the business to a sharp-eyed griffin he could trust, he disassociated with the business while still keeping a share of it's profits, which he used to purchase his next enterprise.
A fine restaurant in Canterlot! It took a lot of effort to get it going, The elite society of Canterlot were not eager to embrace a minotaur, one of those dreadful 'monsters' as their standard of fine dining, but Simon, with true bull-headed persistence, opened his doors every evening for a year, and always looked so elegant in tailor-made suits and his expertly styled hair- and his restaurant was always held up to his exacting standards- that eventually he won over the elite set and his restaurant became 'THE place to go' with reservations booked solid over a year in advance!
In time, he did not need to manage his restaurant so closely, and he looked about for some other project to undertake. It was about then that somepony remembered his suave and unique style and asked him to become a fashion consultant for a new fashion designer they were spotlighting that season. He did so, and though the role he played in it was relatively minor, another pony asked him to consult for the wardrobe department of a movie they were shooting.
While working on the movie, the director quit and things began to fall apart. Without actually being asked to step in, Simon somehow assumed responsibility for the production, and like most things he did, he made a great success of it. One thing that received particular mention was the soundtrack to the film, which he had worked closely with the composers and studios on.
This is probably what led somepony to offer him his next job. As a Music Producer, it was his job to sniff out good talent, and to cull out the good from the merely mediocre. Sharp witted and keen eared, Cowbell quickly gained a reputation as a no-nonsense minotaur who could make or break an aspiring young diva. Though never taking more than a fair share and moderately respectful of his charges as long as they worked hard, he was known not to take crap from them either. No bowlfuls of blue candies or ice water that had to be kept at exactly some certain temperature for his musicians! They were paid well, but never allowed to throw an artistic tantrum or drum up any diva drama.
By the time Simon hit his thirties, (still very young for a minotaur) he was wealthy beyond any need to work further. But he wanted something to do, so he decided to turn into an author and show Equestria and it's population of pretentious ponies that just because they called a minotaur a monster didn't make him one. His first book, 'I know Everything!' and it's sequel "No, I really do.' were surprisingly successful despite the smug, superior tone and the self-satisfied titles. He felt he was so successful at writing, that even though he was now retired, he took to writing reviews for a hobby. He quickly learned that the snarkier he was, the more popular his reviews became. So he took his little show on the road and now travels all over, staying in one place a while, reviewing everything, and then leaving as quickly as he comes.
Roleplay Sample: (I know, I know, but Still How could I resist?)
Simon Cowell looked up from the written character profile with a weary sigh, before drawing out his famous black peacock quill and notepad to begin writing. Absently, he tickled his chin with the plume as he looked heavenward for inspiration. The blaring shine of the overhead light glared back, as though urging him on to do his work with the hard light of truth. This was his curse, his blessing, his duty, and most of all, his pleasure.
Coffeefox, he began, has made a bold and somewhat valiant attempt to put the life's work of this critic on paper. That is about the kindest thing that can be said for this... shambles. Poorly organized, with questionable phraseology and uncertain use of grammar and spelling, this author has both failed to cite sources- I for one would like to know where she acquired the idea that Simon Cowbell has a soft spot for the screaming spawn of the world- and blatantly plagiarized several large portions of the critic's own books. Although I do admit that these stolen paragraphs do add badly needed spice to an otherwise bland and mealy-mouthed report, I simply cannot use this to justify such apparent laziness on the part of the so-called writer.
Satisfied, he lifted the quill from the paper and with a pleased little click! to retract the nib, stowed it away in his pocket. He would have this printed up at once- inserted into the evening paper, if he could get it there in time. He finished his coffee and rose to leave.
And All The Rest[/font]
How You Found Us: I read a snarky review of the board on Google
Alias: Coffeefox or Snowdrop
Comments: SIX LEGGED UNICORNS WITH PURPLE-POLKA-DOTTED MANES WHO SHOOT STARS FROM THEIR EYES AND FLY AROUND THE WORLD HIDING MAGICAL SPARKLY EGGS!
Codewords: [[Correct...my tufted tail]]
